was productive today. did some clerk work as paralegal for my brother. no matter how trivial it may be to others, i feel i was productive. at least, i did something with my idle hours. some days (well, most of the time), i fantasize about what i might have been doing were i still in manila. then i catch myself and try to train my thought on the present. i guess, this is part of the adjustment period. and the waiting till the business starts. which is in april. which is still a long way. hahayhoo.

i hear you.

i hear you though you speak strange

but strange only to the ears of others

because really i hear you.

thank you.

I did promise to blog more this 2008, but what should I blog about? It seems I have really nothing substantial to say. Or maybe, that’s just what I think. So in order to get into the habit, I will have to first forget that I am writing for anyone else but myself. Forgive therefore if this blog will turn out into a self-indulgent journal. This is the only way for me to connect to the few friends who still check on this blog. Thank you to you!

Yesterday, I accompanied my brother to Marbel, a good 45 minute drive from home. That’s where he works and since he only had to deliver some papers to his office, he asked me to go with him on what turned out to be a road trip. During the somewhat long drive we got into a conversation that I just can’t elaborate on right now. But basically, I told him some of my thoughts on what happened to me in October last year. One of them was that at the height of my episode, I had a story going on in my head. I thought I knew what was going on with the other people I was interacting with. But of course, this did not seem to be the case as I found out later on when I checked with my friends about what they were thinking about me.

Sometimes when I look back on the many things I have done, I cringe in embarassment. But then, they are stories that must be told, for they are tales that are the gateways to understanding. But they cannot be told in this blog. Yet, maybe. For now, I can only tell these stories in conversations with friends who hold my heart close to theirs. In other words, they are secrets, as yet.

It’s a new year. What possible resolutions should I hold now that I am where I am in this small city strange to me and with only my family as constant company? Cliche or shallow as my resolutions are, I dare put them down here. Heck, these are after all what I think would make me like myself more.

It turns out, I have only one very concrete new year’s resolution. Lose weight. Yes, because over the past two months I’ve grown bigger what with the meds increasing my appetite and my newly developed cravings for sugar. Lose weight, that is all. I maybe wrong, but I believe this is what it takes for me to motivate myself into becoming a better person. If i can achieve this goal, then I know I truly have the will for anything I set out to do.

Ganyan na muna. Isa-isa lang.