Life’s ironies

Sometimes Life simply wants to shove into your face its little ironies to make us realize how wrong we are about things previously deemed right. Like how certain I was then when i had no laptop that when I finally have one, I will write constantly. And of course, the irony being that when i finally got the writing implement, I stopped well, writing.

Of course, the real reason being I don’t know, don’t know for certain, that is, what to say. And so now I find myself scribbling, er, typing away, thoughts that swirl over my head, almost desperately wanting to pull them back on earth through words that appear in the computer screen. All these, so friends would know what have crossed my mind before the compulsion for Silence again hits me.

With a lot of spare time in my hands and a host of memories to review, I usually do a lot of thinking, contemplating, if you may. Most of the time i find myself centering on the present as the remarkable consequences of the past and the haunting worries for the future bear yet unclear answers. As past and future converge in the present, the only thing that grounds me is the love and security my family and friends offer as well as the inescapabale PRESENT MOMENT. Times when I get concerned about the future and questions like what will happen to me arise, I find comfort knowing that I have family and friends looking out for me. It is a knowledge that discourages me into complacency and instead inspires me to help myself while being equally generous to my loved ones.

A chat conversation with a dear friend has made becoming more honest with myself easier. The understanding that goes along with the conviction that eventually each one only needs to claim for oneself the journey it has chosen to take makes this journey indeed “exciting”. It is an excitement that neither exaggerates nor downplays, neither tolerates nor denies, but stems from a place of knowledge even when it is not yet apparent. And in this, I, too, find comfort. Because it is the authentic path, even when the realizations it brings about are downright embarrassing, painful and perverse.

There goes another of Life’s ironies. And it teaches me that the thing that should matter most is how I conduct myself today. Today is different from yesterday and unique from all other tomorrows. Today, I may not earn big bucks but have made connections and held my nephew in my arms. In thinking so, I become a better individual.

The Power of the Mind has been endlessly testified by numerous inspirational authors, some of whom I have read. It is one of those things that keeps me from sliding away. I believe in this Power. It is among what Spirit is. It is that which makes us smile at Life’s ironies and our indisputable role in it.

Happy Friday.

The Earth is Round.

Kermit cradles the guitar
and mocks us with muted tunes;
Sitting on a rock the shade of earth,
now become mud as lightning shatters stone
to pieces and rain, air and light
decompose pebbles into moist sand.

Between the frog and the crooning fat piglady
a cactus displayed unashamedly stands;
It provokes you into scrutiny.
Its threadlike spikes point to all directions
as if to scold and insult the Chinese for
inventing mahjong tiles with only four
wind directions – north, south, east, west.

Look here, the spikes say,
what have you been thinking?
One dimensions are not for round planets.

A record of things to come.

A record of things to come involves a host of stuff.

One must prepare. One must be willing to die for a moment, for a lifetime, for a future that is bright.

One must deliberate and empathize with the journey of all.

One must strive to write, to dance, to sing, to bless

with grace and belief and faith in the unknown,

that which has yet to be known,

that which has yet to see.

To revel in the goodness of all

and in the unity , connectedness of life.

In Truth, one must believe.

In Prosperity, in Life and Death and life after death.

One must do all this.

To my loved ones.

Do not be afraid for me. I am the same. I have not changed. I just speak weird. But I am here. I will not leave. I will be with you as I have always been. I will make you laugh and cry and sing and we will have our moments. Moments of life, love, silliness, and joy. We shall as we always have been. You know, you know, and be assured.

 

Fountain of Being.

I have just read his words and I am struck with knowing. He gave an account of his journey, a mere glimpse of the indescribable though not unfathomable. I am stunned by recognition.

There was another entry, an FAQ, but I merely scanned through it. Did not read. I did not want ideas getting ahead of me. I want to know the answers to the FAQ myself. This way, I will have no doubt, no single doubt that what I will discover and echoed by many others is TRUE.

Since this morning, I have been in meditation. Meditating while doing everything I needed to do. I got up and flowed with the energy. The energy that’s ever-present. It was like I was my self but not really my self. The movements, the routine was familiar. I moved according to how I move. I know the movements to be mine. But they were not mine. And they were mine. They were me and not me and me.

I am one, two, three and one. The triple and the one. They are manifesting. You know them.

It’s here, there, everywhere, up, down, under, beside, over, by the sidewalk, in the canteen, along the road, in bed, out of bed, in the playpen and garden and walls and cities and floors and moonbeams.

You are Kali, and you came to me.

*written in August 2004

Ode to Kali

In the dead of night,
Lies stillness.

In the bright daylight,
Soars the whimpering cry of wounded bird.

At half-past eleven,
Brooks rush to flow.

Lightning strikes.
Thunder booms.

Flowers bloom,
Violet orchids smile.
The cusp is filled, water drips.

Bamboo pierces the hardened soil.
Discovers the secrets of earth.

At three quarter,
Moist mud glistens.

At ten to six,
Dames bathe in pale moonshine.

By nine o’clock,
She moans.
Groans.

Such is desire.

Of a muse
Who

Longs.

 

On a more personal note

 

This is an attempt to document, to recapture what I have gone through three years ago. I feel that I must remember, recollect, gather the learnings from that experience. It had been a glorious period, one rifed with struggles and confusion and uncertainty but also of knowing, of celebrating, of rejoicing.

 

In many instances then, I felt that I was being offered glimpses of the mysterious, some bits of secrets revealed, but not fully. My rationalizations and egoistic tendencies sometimes mired clear understanding. It was as if I was being teased, provoked into comprehension but did not yet have the ability or the knowledge to synthesize the insights of the experience. On some occasions, I followed impulses which then I thought were revelations but weren’t really. Because they were simply my own thoughts, my own record of things. They weren’t yet the sublime and profound.

 

As I write this, no thought precedes. There is no concept, no idea that is being followed. My fingers work their way along the keyboards. Words leap out of the mind. It’s as if something is just flowing. Something which does not have a beginning nor an end. Something that is just here in the present moment. There are a few errors, a few mistakes in this writing.

 

I do not presuppose am being taken over by something that is not me. But I also know that whatever is expressed is not me. This is not about me. But about something else that desires to be understood, to relay messages that may not be easily held together.

 

Words are carefully chosen because words have meanings.

 

In 2004, I went into a trance. By trance I do not mean I lost consciousness. Trance simply refers to that state by which a person is able to tap into a higher energy, a different life force, different from the usual energy that gets expressed through physical activity or mental stimulation. One could say this energy was that of a spiritual kind.

 

During those periods, I was made aware of the extraordinary, of the strange and unusual. It was so unusual, I did not know how to make sense of it. My body experienced powerful electric surges. There were times when I was sensitive to the energies around me. My senses were fully heightened.

 

The first time it hit me, I thought I was going to die. I prayed, please let me go back. Please, I don’t want to go just yet. I was then inside the cab when this thought occurred. I was moving like a wild woman then. I was doing yoga gestures inside the cab! I would stick my head out of the window because I badly needed air. I even thought my limbs were disappearing, going invisible.

 

This narration of my experience will come in spurts. Because as I’ve already said I am just flowing with the energy and the memory. I am simply Being. This story cannot be forced. It cannot be demanded from me. It is a story that must be respected, must be honored, must be revered. For it is a story that is true. Do not doubt it. It happened.

 

My narration will be slow. It will be paced. It will not hurry.

 

It must take its time for when fear and disbelief override all that is told, then everything will be for nothing.

 

Thank you to all those who have read patiently. You have gone this far because you can go this far. Blessed are you, all of you.

* the image above is described as “the rare venus transit”. i got the image by typing “image” in google.

 

 

Communication

Anyone who seeks real connected communication must be ready for a hurdle.

Most often we find ourselves longing to be understood, to let another know of what and how perceive. In so doing, we might be overcome with eagerness. We get caught up in our expressing we fail in communicating.

To avoid this situation, we must come into the interaction with an open heart and a great deal of courage, patience and faith.

An open heart enables us to listen, courage allows us to embrace the unpleasant about us and the other, patience makes us persevere, and faith grounds us to what is vital.

What is vital is the intent that when two people come together to communicate, they are sharing valuable pieces of themselves, glimpses of their Higher Being that seems to know all things.

Faith in this knowledge is that which is essential. It is that which tells us that everything is not for naught and that the gathering serves a purpose.

 

Concepts

Of late, or should say for a substantial period of time, I have been veering away from intellectual deliberations. I could only surmise this is borne of an understanding of the tricks the mind can play on oneself.

Our search for explanations may lead us to texts that speak to us, readings that seem to articulate what we have suspected or grasped but have not found the words to express sharply. These texts therefore represent what we have known all along. When we encounter the words, the essence resonates in us.

Despite knowing this, thinking this, why have I avoided digging up explanations? The only answer I can come up with now is that perhaps I had wanted to experience knowledge, wisdom. I had wanted to discover secrets, not through rational thought, but through intuitive learning.

Perhaps this is so because that is the strength of my nature. Others would have their own strengths, their own paths and ways of learning. Mine is just another way.