My Other Blog

March 29, 2010

Just logged into this account after a long long time. Checked my stats and was surprised to find out there are readers here.

Won’t be able to maintain too many blogs.

So, dear reader, if you are interested, check out my other blog –

Thanks and see you around!

January 27, 2008

was productive today. did some clerk work as paralegal for my brother. no matter how trivial it may be to others, i feel i was productive. at least, i did something with my idle hours. some days (well, most of the time), i fantasize about what i might have been doing were i still in manila. then i catch myself and try to train my thought on the present. i guess, this is part of the adjustment period. and the waiting till the business starts. which is in april. which is still a long way. hahayhoo.

i hear you.

January 15, 2008

i hear you though you speak strange

but strange only to the ears of others

because really i hear you.

thank you.

January 4, 2008

I did promise to blog more this 2008, but what should I blog about? It seems I have really nothing substantial to say. Or maybe, that’s just what I think. So in order to get into the habit, I will have to first forget that I am writing for anyone else but myself. Forgive therefore if this blog will turn out into a self-indulgent journal. This is the only way for me to connect to the few friends who still check on this blog. Thank you to you!

Yesterday, I accompanied my brother to Marbel, a good 45 minute drive from home. That’s where he works and since he only had to deliver some papers to his office, he asked me to go with him on what turned out to be a road trip. During the somewhat long drive we got into a conversation that I just can’t elaborate on right now. But basically, I told him some of my thoughts on what happened to me in October last year. One of them was that at the height of my episode, I had a story going on in my head. I thought I knew what was going on with the other people I was interacting with. But of course, this did not seem to be the case as I found out later on when I checked with my friends about what they were thinking about me.

Sometimes when I look back on the many things I have done, I cringe in embarassment. But then, they are stories that must be told, for they are tales that are the gateways to understanding. But they cannot be told in this blog. Yet, maybe. For now, I can only tell these stories in conversations with friends who hold my heart close to theirs. In other words, they are secrets, as yet.

It’s a new year. What possible resolutions should I hold now that I am where I am in this small city strange to me and with only my family as constant company? Cliche or shallow as my resolutions are, I dare put them down here. Heck, these are after all what I think would make me like myself more. 😀

It turns out, I have only one very concrete new year’s resolution. Lose weight. Yes, because over the past two months I’ve grown bigger what with the meds increasing my appetite and my newly developed cravings for sugar. Lose weight, that is all. I maybe wrong, but I believe this is what it takes for me to motivate myself into becoming a better person. If i can achieve this goal, then I know I truly have the will for anything I set out to do.

Ganyan na muna. Isa-isa lang.

Reclaiming the Habit

December 30, 2007

I got into blogging in 2004 (February 14 to be exact) when it wasn’t as hip as it is today. Then, the mere mention of a blog would have your officemate’s brows furrowed. It was a secret well kept by me, who was writing blog entries during office hours. Was doing it then for updating purposes, especially that one girlfriend was in the US accompanying her hubby on his scholarship grant. Then, we would swap stories and insights about love, movies, gimmiks and happenings in our lives.

Perhaps, as a new year’s resolution, I promise to write some more this 2008.

Life’s ironies

December 14, 2007

Sometimes Life simply wants to shove into your face its little ironies to make us realize how wrong we are about things previously deemed right. Like how certain I was then when i had no laptop that when I finally have one, I will write constantly. And of course, the irony being that when i finally got the writing implement, I stopped well, writing.

Of course, the real reason being I don’t know, don’t know for certain, that is, what to say. And so now I find myself scribbling, er, typing away, thoughts that swirl over my head, almost desperately wanting to pull them back on earth through words that appear in the computer screen. All these, so friends would know what have crossed my mind before the compulsion for Silence again hits me.

With a lot of spare time in my hands and a host of memories to review, I usually do a lot of thinking, contemplating, if you may. Most of the time i find myself centering on the present as the remarkable consequences of the past and the haunting worries for the future bear yet unclear answers. As past and future converge in the present, the only thing that grounds me is the love and security my family and friends offer as well as the inescapabale PRESENT MOMENT. Times when I get concerned about the future and questions like what will happen to me arise, I find comfort knowing that I have family and friends looking out for me. It is a knowledge that discourages me into complacency and instead inspires me to help myself while being equally generous to my loved ones.

A chat conversation with a dear friend has made becoming more honest with myself easier. The understanding that goes along with the conviction that eventually each one only needs to claim for oneself the journey it has chosen to take makes this journey indeed “exciting”. It is an excitement that neither exaggerates nor downplays, neither tolerates nor denies, but stems from a place of knowledge even when it is not yet apparent. And in this, I, too, find comfort. Because it is the authentic path, even when the realizations it brings about are downright embarrassing, painful and perverse.

There goes another of Life’s ironies. And it teaches me that the thing that should matter most is how I conduct myself today. Today is different from yesterday and unique from all other tomorrows. Today, I may not earn big bucks but have made connections and held my nephew in my arms. In thinking so, I become a better individual.

The Power of the Mind has been endlessly testified by numerous inspirational authors, some of whom I have read. It is one of those things that keeps me from sliding away. I believe in this Power. It is among what Spirit is. It is that which makes us smile at Life’s ironies and our indisputable role in it. 🙂

Happy Friday. 🙂

The Earth is Round.

November 7, 2007

Kermit cradles the guitar
and mocks us with muted tunes;
Sitting on a rock the shade of earth,
now become mud as lightning shatters stone
to pieces and rain, air and light
decompose pebbles into moist sand.

Between the frog and the crooning fat piglady
a cactus displayed unashamedly stands;
It provokes you into scrutiny.
Its threadlike spikes point to all directions
as if to scold and insult the Chinese for
inventing mahjong tiles with only four
wind directions – north, south, east, west.

Look here, the spikes say,
what have you been thinking?
One dimensions are not for round planets.

To the Ewe (To You)

November 7, 2007

I tried to write you my dearest. And I tried to come up with answers to the question you posed which I found most profound: Why do I need so much to heal (others, I suppose)? In trying to answer that question by outlining some reasons, I found myself facing a blank wall. I thought that I cannot answer that question in concrete terms (meaning, what in my personal life makes me want to heal). That is why I am opting now to share my thoughts in this blog hoping that something maybe exposed. This will also somehow reveal the other question you asked: What am I thinking?

I choose to reply in symbolic terms (my drawings, for example) because that is what I can manage now even as I am also thinking that symbolic language perhaps may be the most appropriate and most effective way by which we can communicate and hopefully understand each other and the entire experience.

For frankly speaking, the best answer I can give now is an “I don’t know”. I don’t know why I had pushed everyone to come along with me in the experience. I don’t know why I refused to listen. And yet, something tells me I know. But that knowledge is inaccessible for now. Or perhaps, that knowledge is better not uttered for now because they are most strange, most unbelievable, most unreal.

Read the rest of this entry »

to the ram

November 5, 2007

there, some secrets of life
have been revealed to you.
secrets that are pure and simple.

i hope you do not pull yourself down
nor bring yourself up.
everything is level;

on ground;
and above, is sky;
all else, are just clouds.


November 5, 2007

Just added in my blogroll, two sites that am currently reading hopefully to help me better understand my experience. See Spiritual Emergency and Bipolar or Waking Up.